32

Insomnia is stalking me yet again.  I can’t sleep.  Surprise surprise, right?  Methinks this is how 99.9% of blogs probably get started.  The remaining .1% is for the sake of vanity, I’m sure.  Heh.  Anywho…  Can you believe that I’m 32 yrs old?  Jeez.  30’s is the new middle-age.  Well, it is because I say so.  And yes, this only applies to me in my head.  I was elated, estatic I tell you–when I turned 30 many moons ago.  I felt that I finally had credibility.  No more of the “You’re-Just-a-Kid” looks anymore from those of the Over 30 Set.  Loved the credit.  Then 31 felt strange.  It felt stranger for feeling strange at all.  Didn’t know how to be.  When I retreat to my thoughts, my mental image was of me as a teenageish-twenty-somethingish girl.  But peek into a mirror and the image reasserts itself and reality says hello.  Not that I looked much older but it’s just different I guess.  Now 32 and I’m feeling time pressing on me finally.  Mortality is now imminent!  Egads, what’s that?!  No, I don’t feel akin to any senior citizens yet but now I sympathize.  At 32, I’ve suddenly realized that time does not go backwards nor stand still.  It is rolling along!  Will it soon roll ahead of me? 

What fun would life be if there were no limits?  Would the middle be as valuable if there was no end?  I don’t know.  But I would like to think so.  Maybe 32 is here to remind me that I need to savor this life.  Savor it for all the juice and don’t mind the pulp; as best as I can.  I feel myself standing on the hill.  It is impossible to fall backwards except in my dreams at night and my memories during the day.  So I start to tilt forward.  There is fear of the unknown but also relief at the inevitability.  No control = no responsibility.  No responsibility = do the best you can because there is nothing else you can do or be asked to do.  My mortality makes facing my mortality okay. 

Not exactly joy but I’m okay with that.  32, you are okay.

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