At Last…

…Many dreams have been fulfilled! Thank you Universe! I am filled to the brim. After multiple miscarriages, we were gifted with our precious and most desperately-wanted daughter. After many struggles; we’ve found a place to land, a home in which to grow our children, and possibly the freedom to live our lives without fear or restraint.

I am so excited for the future.

Thank you Universe. Thank you.

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If I had to redo my wedding…

…this would be my Wedding Cake.  Seriously. Haha

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Past midnight and not asleep yet.

Munching on ice-cold watermelon and luke-warm coffee.  Oh yeah, that must be it.  sigh.

photo from coffeenconvy.blogspot.com

photo from sugoodsweets.com

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I wish for me and you… a rose of blue.

from www.wikipedia.org:  “In some cultures, blue roses traditionally signify a mystery, or attaining the impossible, or never ending quest for the impossible. They are believed to be able to grant the owner youth or grant wishes.”

photo from wikipedia.org

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Tonight’s twilight

from my back yard.  Sometimes I feel so lucky to be alive.

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Dreaming about a house…

… that looks like this! (sigh) A beautiful, warm, cozy home where kids can run around and play and meals are lovingly made and shared…. that’s homey happy Precious Happy.

Photo from The Irvine Company

Photo from The Irvine Company

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Happy discovery for 05/07/2010…

…is a beautiful quote.

“To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten.” – Anonymous

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It’s like we’re two peas in a pod…

photo from worldofstock.com

I’m so sad. This weekend was full of revelations.  I had such big plans to get a crack on my chores list. I wanted to get so many things done.  Well, suffice it to say, we didn’t get much done errand-wise but we searched our souls until we bled.  What a strange feeling… to go back in time and view your childhood with adult eyes, knowledge that only comes with experience, and wisdom that only comes with age.  We now know why certain things were done, why certain actions were taken and yet we will never know for sure.  It sucks to never know for sure.  But that little bit of doubt that our surmises are unfounded is weak and negligible due to the incalculable amount of evidence we now have.

As grateful as I am for my decent memory recall and my continual flashbacks, I can’t help but think that maybe things would be easier if I didn’t remember very much.  How do we retrain ourselves?  How do we unbrain-wash?  How do we undo the damage from a bruised childhood?  Fond memories that when I now look at are tainted with the clarity of context.  How can I start on the road of forgiveness if I am unsure that I should ever attempt that journey?  Is it right to do?  Does forgiveness really release your soul or is it just a cop out and an act of cowardice?  Would forgiving someone for heinous acts be telling them that it was okay for them to have done those things to you? 

I don’t know if my parents deserve forgiveness.  I think it depends on what their motives were.  If they failed because they didn’t have a clue how to raise children in a healthy environment then that’s one thing.  But if they never had our best interests at heart, if they were too self-involved with their own flaws and self-obsessions to care for us or love us then that’s obviously another.

My husband didn’t win the lottery either.  We grew up with different forms of neglect.  Two ends of the spectrum.  Him in a 4000 sq feet mansion with a physically abusive brother, emotionally-distant mother, and an absent father.  People who didn’t bother celebrating his birthday after the age of 6 with the excuse that they didn’t have the time but it was really that they didn’t have the inclination.  And of course that’s one example among many much more horrific others.  I tease him and tell him that at least he had a refrigerator with food.  My brother and I were lucky to find a pack of hot dogs to eat on top of physical, mental, emotional abuse by an addict of a father and a self-centered, negligent, promiscuous mother who taught us from day one that our sole reason for being was to be her slave and to serve her and sacrifice ourselves to her.  Ahhh good times. 

Yes, we’re like two peas in a pod… too damaged to be with other people and groping our way through life without having had role models from whom we could have learned.  We are lucky to have found each other and together we vow to raise our children the way we never knew families could be; filled with love and joy.

Having him to weather the storm is Precious Happy.

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make it to the other side

lost.  feeling lost. 

I use this blog to remind myself of the good things in life.  The things I am so so grateful for.  I recently read a quote; “You’ve gotta put some gratitude in your attitude.”  It made me laugh.  So if I come off as too “chipper” or “pathetically optimistic” then you’ve got me all wrong. 

An aside: 

Which is not to say that I’m that important to you or that what you think of me is important to me.  It’s just a matter of setting things straight whether anyone cares or not.  Just to put my rambling thoughts down to clarify for myself.  If you’re here along for the ride for the heck of it or there’s some entertainment value in it for you, my passing reader, then welcome.  I take your presence as an honor but like everything and anything a stranger says.. just read with the understanding that this blog just takes and puts down in writing a piece of me.  Whatever you want to make of it is fine.  I don’t presume to affect you in any way but I don’t mind that you’re here.  So if I haven’t said it before; “Pleased to ‘meet’ you.” 🙂

Back to clarifying and all that jazz.  Yes, I don’t mean to come off as happy happy happy… I am just trying to focus on that more than on sad sad sad.  And as human beings I’m sure being both at the same time sometimes is part of this complicated bundle of cells–all part of the package deal.  So to clear things up; if some posts talk about happiness then other posts swing to the melancholy just know that yours truly is not mad (yet) or schizophrenic but merely writing about the emotion du jour, that’s all.

And the emotion du jour is the feeling of being lost.  I know I should be concentrating on the fact that my family is safe, my children are healthy and happy, my relationship with my husband is faring better today than last year.  Yet I still grieve for what I thought I had but now realize that I never did.  I grieve for the stability of an extended family.  I grieve for knowing where I am going and where I’ll be.  I’ve never been one for flying by the seat of my pants.  Yes I am definitely spontaneous in the moment and have a thing for adventures but ultimately I’m a planner.  I’m extremely goal-oriented.  So it’s difficult for me right now not to know where we’ll be.  Five years ago found me content and happy.  Now I’m feeling shaken and scared. 

It’s like waking up and realizing that your life was all a dream and the reality is that you’re walking 50 feet up in the air on a tight rope and you look down and you realize… someone took away the safety net.  But you know that if you hesitate too much, you’ll lose your footing and fall.  Right now, I’m just trying to make it to the other side.  I can’t see it but I know that it’s gotta be there. 

If I believed in a god, I could wish and pray but since I don’t, all I can do is hope.  Hope that what we are doing and the choices we make for our lives and our kids’ lives are the right choices.

I hope…

1. that we are fighting for the right goals.

2. that whatever we do decide does not end up hurting our children in some horrible way.

3.  that in the end, we’ll at least be okay.

I really hope that we will be okay.

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Dust of Everyday Life

While passing through the down town of my local beach city, I passed a banner that said this:

“Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.” Pablo Picasso

Beautiful, succinct, and explains the fundamental human desire for aesthetic pleasure. Art is Precious Happy.

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