February | 2010 | Precious Happy

I still can’t get over my dad dying. I feel like my life is on hold until I do. I barely have enough energy every day to survive sometimes. I hate how depression can suck all my will to do anything besides feeding and taking care of my children. I hate this feeling but I know I won’t be able to get past it until I accept the fact that he’s gone forever. I hate this so much. But I have hope that I am getting better. I’ve slowly stopped thinking about him as if he is still here. The present tense has slowly evolved into the past tense whenever I think of him now. This makes me so sad but also a little bit relieved. I used to feel like if I scream loudly enough inside of me with all my heart, this reality won’t be real and he never died and still lives somewhere where I can visit and see him, talk to him, say “Hi” to him and “How are you doing?”… and what I wish for most–to have him meet my sons. Now my screams of protest have become mere whimpering. Perhaps acceptance will come soon. It has to come soon yet I know it can’t be rushed. Gah this sucks. That’s why happiness is so tenuous and delicate. Life can end instantaneously. Don’t live for the moment just for the sake of it. Savor the bitterness and sadness too. Life is not just smiley pictures… life is mostly the moments between the smiles. It’s beautiful even when it’s full of sadness. I miss my dad. My beautiful, flawed but amazing dad. I am just grateful that I had someone I loved enough to grieve this much for.

…since my last post?

My, how time flies by. It seems as if nowadays (since our eldest child has entered the public forum that is private school) time is sectioned by whichever happens to be the trendiest of viruses and bacteria that is first passed around at #1’s classroom and then shared miserably and equally among our lil family of four. What fun to be had each and every time. You probably know what I’m talking about if you have kids and if you don’t you should try it.

Let’s just keep this one casual as I try to regain my blogging mojo (yes, something I don’t think I had but I’m working on it). Hhmm, let’s see…

Discovered that I love love love Anthropologie’s designs but hate the bad craftsmanship and cheap fabric and especially at their crazy prices–for $200/a dress, I can buy better quality! So I will pass and stick to Zara, H&M, Banana Republic, et al. with the occasional discounted Diane Von Furstenberg, Burberry, Lacoste thrown into the mix. Although I still very much love and relate to Anthropologie’s designs the most! I told DH that I will buy one of their dresses, deconstruct it, then use the pattern to rebuild it in a much nicer fabric for my own use and consumption. His answer? He snorted. Why the lack of support, eh Hubby? Oh, right… because I don’t own a sewing machine and I don’t know how to sew and I’ve said before how I plan to cobble my own shoes but have yet to do. Oh, alright but a girl can still have seamstressy dreams.

DH denies it but he secretly lusts for the iPad which btw I hate the name of! Seriously? iPad?? They didn’t bother testing that name with the female side of Apple Fandom did they? Is it that time of the month to use an iPad yet? Eeww and gross. So I will stubbornly rename it and refer to it as the “iTablet” because that’s what it is suppose to be, right? It seems fine but not a necessity to me. iPod – gotta have. iPhone – I seriously can not live without. The “iTablet” seems fun but just another gadget to clutter up one’s purse/briefcase. So of course the DH would want one. He has yet to admit that and I have yet to admit that I’d probably play with it if we ever get one for him. My geekiness occasionally swells at the sight of fun lil electronic gizmos. After 8 1/2 years of marriage DH has caught on that I am geekier than I initially appeared. But he has yet to realize that despite my complaining, I actually like going to Frye’s with him. I just rather he not know that because then he tends to be more patient when I drag him clothes-shopping. Hehe. That is a phenomenon I call the Give-and-Take of marriage. 😉

We decided to cancel our cable and premium internet opting for just the basic internet. We also don’t have a land line either. I was worried that I would miss cable but I actually don’t. I love the lessened amount of advertisements in my life. My kids don’t jump up and down at every new toy they see in commercials now as well. Of course they have always been good at not asking for the stuff they see but I hated them being exposed to that shite! I’ve found out that I can live off entertainment media provided by the internet alone. I highly recommend hulu.com. I am in love with them. But this love affair will end if they decide to start charging fees! Here’s to hoping that they remain nice and fee free!! Cutting the cord has saved us $100 a month! Not too shabby. And ladies, doing my designer math… I figure it’s equivalent to getting a brand new smaller Louis Vuitton a year! Yeah Baby!

I am also grateful for the awesome powers of the local farmer’s market!!! I can not say enough wonderful things about it. It has started to become our Sunday tradition of having breakfast then hitting the farmer’s market conveniently located 2 minutes from home. Fresh, organic veggies at a percentage of the cost of Supermarket tasteless blobs = heart heart heart. It reminds me of one of my favorite King of the Hill episodes where Hank discovers the wonders of organic food. It’s really funny. I sure do miss that show.

It’s raining like crazy outside right now. As our streets get flooded and less fortunate people’s homes become threatened by mudslides, I am grateful that we live on a hill in a 50 year old house that has decent enough drainage. Thank goodness for that. Escaping four wild fires in 2007 was bad enough! I am happy that I’m safe inside this little rented dwelling of sticks and stucco. The only thing that could be better would be that we end up owning a house again one day. As soon as this crazy economy stabilizes a little bit more–hopefully on this side of 5 years–we will tentatively venture into home-ownership once and again. Our own personal American dream has been stalled but I’m happy we have a temporary shelter for us to call home. Unbearably hot during the Summer, freezing during the winter, but right now my family and I are warm and dry. And right now is my own little Precious Happy.