Grief

I still can’t get over my dad dying. I feel like my life is on hold until I do. I barely have enough energy every day to survive sometimes. I hate how depression can suck all my will to do anything besides feeding and taking care of my children. I hate this feeling but I know I won’t be able to get past it until I accept the fact that he’s gone forever. I hate this so much. But I have hope that I am getting better. I’ve slowly stopped thinking about him as if he is still here. The present tense has slowly evolved into the past tense whenever I think of him now. This makes me so sad but also a little bit relieved. I used to feel like if I scream loudly enough inside of me with all my heart, this reality won’t be real and he never died and still lives somewhere where I can visit and see him, talk to him, say “Hi” to him and “How are you doing?”… and what I wish for most–to have him meet my sons. Now my screams of protest have become mere whimpering. Perhaps acceptance will come soon. It has to come soon yet I know it can’t be rushed. Gah this sucks. That’s why happiness is so tenuous and delicate. Life can end instantaneously. Don’t live for the moment just for the sake of it. Savor the bitterness and sadness too. Life is not just smiley pictures… life is mostly the moments between the smiles. It’s beautiful even when it’s full of sadness. I miss my dad. My beautiful, flawed but amazing dad. I am just grateful that I had someone I loved enough to grieve this much for.

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2 responses to “Grief

  1. hayoudoing?
    Grief…I feel your pain. I lost my dad about eleven years ago and I still find myself missing him at times. I think that is normal and OK. No one can tell you how long to grieve. It’s an individual thing, and like you said…it takes time. It sounds like you have come a long way already. You are so right. Life is not just smiley pictures and pretty words. Sometimes we can’t even find words to describe love, it is that profound. I know you have many beautiful memories of your dad that are precious to you. Drink from the depth of those memories and let them sooth the pain in your heart. Write them down. Share your moments with those who are going through similar grief. God bless you and I pray you hold on until your change comes.

  2. Losing a father is something no one really understands until they have been through it. It’s a “club” no one wants to join but won’t understand until they do. It’s like the rug has been pulled out from under you and you struggle to stand up again and regain your footing. I believe a mother gives comfort and a father gives safety. And the world is such a big frightening place without a safety net and someone to remind you that everything will be okay no matter what. As a member of the “Dead Father’s Club” the world will never be okay again. So thank you very much for your kind and comforting words but most of all, for your understanding.

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