Monthly Archives: April 2010

lost.  feeling lost. 

I use this blog to remind myself of the good things in life.  The things I am so so grateful for.  I recently read a quote; “You’ve gotta put some gratitude in your attitude.”  It made me laugh.  So if I come off as too “chipper” or “pathetically optimistic” then you’ve got me all wrong. 

An aside: 

Which is not to say that I’m that important to you or that what you think of me is important to me.  It’s just a matter of setting things straight whether anyone cares or not.  Just to put my rambling thoughts down to clarify for myself.  If you’re here along for the ride for the heck of it or there’s some entertainment value in it for you, my passing reader, then welcome.  I take your presence as an honor but like everything and anything a stranger says.. just read with the understanding that this blog just takes and puts down in writing a piece of me.  Whatever you want to make of it is fine.  I don’t presume to affect you in any way but I don’t mind that you’re here.  So if I haven’t said it before; “Pleased to ‘meet’ you.” 🙂

Back to clarifying and all that jazz.  Yes, I don’t mean to come off as happy happy happy… I am just trying to focus on that more than on sad sad sad.  And as human beings I’m sure being both at the same time sometimes is part of this complicated bundle of cells–all part of the package deal.  So to clear things up; if some posts talk about happiness then other posts swing to the melancholy just know that yours truly is not mad (yet) or schizophrenic but merely writing about the emotion du jour, that’s all.

And the emotion du jour is the feeling of being lost.  I know I should be concentrating on the fact that my family is safe, my children are healthy and happy, my relationship with my husband is faring better today than last year.  Yet I still grieve for what I thought I had but now realize that I never did.  I grieve for the stability of an extended family.  I grieve for knowing where I am going and where I’ll be.  I’ve never been one for flying by the seat of my pants.  Yes I am definitely spontaneous in the moment and have a thing for adventures but ultimately I’m a planner.  I’m extremely goal-oriented.  So it’s difficult for me right now not to know where we’ll be.  Five years ago found me content and happy.  Now I’m feeling shaken and scared. 

It’s like waking up and realizing that your life was all a dream and the reality is that you’re walking 50 feet up in the air on a tight rope and you look down and you realize… someone took away the safety net.  But you know that if you hesitate too much, you’ll lose your footing and fall.  Right now, I’m just trying to make it to the other side.  I can’t see it but I know that it’s gotta be there. 

If I believed in a god, I could wish and pray but since I don’t, all I can do is hope.  Hope that what we are doing and the choices we make for our lives and our kids’ lives are the right choices.

I hope…

1. that we are fighting for the right goals.

2. that whatever we do decide does not end up hurting our children in some horrible way.

3.  that in the end, we’ll at least be okay.

I really hope that we will be okay.

photo found at http://blogs.journalism.cuny.edu/interactivefundamentals/files/2008/11/003_012_hope.jpg

While passing through the down town of my local beach city, I passed a banner that said this:

“Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.” Pablo Picasso

Beautiful, succinct, and explains the fundamental human desire for aesthetic pleasure. Art is Precious Happy.

photo from art.com

Her name would have been Orchid.  And for him we would have called Little Lion.  Do we continue trying?  Or is it foolish to not heed the universe’s warnings that our tiny family of four is perfect the way it is?  I can see my husband love another child.  I can almost feel her/him in my arms.  Our two boys are such pieces of heaven that it seems wasteful *not* to have another child.  So we tried and tried again.  But after 3 miscarriages… perhaps it’s time to stop.  What if we were successful next time but the baby turns out to need more than we can give?  Financially, emotionally, mentally… what if what we have won’t be enough?  I can not willingly choose to detonate our children’s lives.  They deserve our attention, love, care, and protection and would not have asked to have a baby sister or brother who is sick and would take away from all that.  And yet I know how wonderful they would be as older brothers.  They are already wonderful to each other–more than we have ever dared to hope that they would be.  If only we could know beforehand, just a small peek into the future to see which way to go… to be sure of the path we choose so that we can firmly follow it.  My husband says we must not be greedy, that we are the only two people in this world who would take care of our two little boys.  They have no one but us.  So to bring in another child and jeopardize an already unsteady state of living seems so very rash.  And yet… and still… my heart aches and I wonder and I dream and I cry when I lose the pregnancy… again. It’s moments like these that resonate how truly precious the happiness we have really is; how very tenuous and fragile.  No matter what happens… Happiness, I promise to cup you in my hands and shield you from the wind so that you don’t blow away so that I can hold on just a little bit longer. Just a little bit longer.

photo by Paul Mutton from photos.jibble.org

One of John Keats’ let­ters to Fanny Brawne:

25 Col­lege Street

My dear­est Girl,

This moment I have set myself to copy some verses out fair.  I can­not pro­ceed with any degree of con­tent.  I must write you a line or two and see if that will assist in dis­miss­ing you from my Mind for ever so short a time.  Upon my Soul I can think of noth­ing else — The time is passed when I had power to advise and warn you again[s]t the unpromis­ing morn­ing of my Life — My love has made me self­ish.  I can­not exist with­out you — I am for­get­ful of every thing but see­ing you again — my Life seems to stop there — I see no fur­ther.  You have absorb’d me. I have a sen­sa­tion at the present moment as though I was dis­solv­ing — I should be exquis­itely mis­er­able with­out the hope of soon see­ing you.  I should be afraid to sep­a­rate myself far from you.  My sweet Fanny, will your heart never change?  My love, will it?  I have no limit now to my love — You note came in just here — I can­not be hap­pier away from you — ‘T is richer than an Argosy of Pearles.  Do not threat me even in jest. I have been aston­ished that Men could die Mar­tyrs for reli­gion — I have shudder’d at it — I shud­der no more — I could be martyr’d for my Reli­gion — Love is my reli­gion — I could die for that — I could die for you.  My Creed is Love and you are its only tenet — You have ravish’d me away by a Power I can­not resist: and yet I could resist till I saw you; and even since I have seen you I have endeav­oured often “to rea­son against the rea­sons of my Love.”  I can do that no more — the pain would be too great — My Love is self­ish — I can­not breathe with­out you.

Yours for ever
John Keats