It’s like we’re two peas in a pod…

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I’m so sad. This weekend was full of revelations.  I had such big plans to get a crack on my chores list. I wanted to get so many things done.  Well, suffice it to say, we didn’t get much done errand-wise but we searched our souls until we bled.  What a strange feeling… to go back in time and view your childhood with adult eyes, knowledge that only comes with experience, and wisdom that only comes with age.  We now know why certain things were done, why certain actions were taken and yet we will never know for sure.  It sucks to never know for sure.  But that little bit of doubt that our surmises are unfounded is weak and negligible due to the incalculable amount of evidence we now have.

As grateful as I am for my decent memory recall and my continual flashbacks, I can’t help but think that maybe things would be easier if I didn’t remember very much.  How do we retrain ourselves?  How do we unbrain-wash?  How do we undo the damage from a bruised childhood?  Fond memories that when I now look at are tainted with the clarity of context.  How can I start on the road of forgiveness if I am unsure that I should ever attempt that journey?  Is it right to do?  Does forgiveness really release your soul or is it just a cop out and an act of cowardice?  Would forgiving someone for heinous acts be telling them that it was okay for them to have done those things to you? 

I don’t know if my parents deserve forgiveness.  I think it depends on what their motives were.  If they failed because they didn’t have a clue how to raise children in a healthy environment then that’s one thing.  But if they never had our best interests at heart, if they were too self-involved with their own flaws and self-obsessions to care for us or love us then that’s obviously another.

My husband didn’t win the lottery either.  We grew up with different forms of neglect.  Two ends of the spectrum.  Him in a 4000 sq feet mansion with a physically abusive brother, emotionally-distant mother, and an absent father.  People who didn’t bother celebrating his birthday after the age of 6 with the excuse that they didn’t have the time but it was really that they didn’t have the inclination.  And of course that’s one example among many much more horrific others.  I tease him and tell him that at least he had a refrigerator with food.  My brother and I were lucky to find a pack of hot dogs to eat on top of physical, mental, emotional abuse by an addict of a father and a self-centered, negligent, promiscuous mother who taught us from day one that our sole reason for being was to be her slave and to serve her and sacrifice ourselves to her.  Ahhh good times. 

Yes, we’re like two peas in a pod… too damaged to be with other people and groping our way through life without having had role models from whom we could have learned.  We are lucky to have found each other and together we vow to raise our children the way we never knew families could be; filled with love and joy.

Having him to weather the storm is Precious Happy.

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make it to the other side

lost.  feeling lost. 

I use this blog to remind myself of the good things in life.  The things I am so so grateful for.  I recently read a quote; “You’ve gotta put some gratitude in your attitude.”  It made me laugh.  So if I come off as too “chipper” or “pathetically optimistic” then you’ve got me all wrong. 

An aside: 

Which is not to say that I’m that important to you or that what you think of me is important to me.  It’s just a matter of setting things straight whether anyone cares or not.  Just to put my rambling thoughts down to clarify for myself.  If you’re here along for the ride for the heck of it or there’s some entertainment value in it for you, my passing reader, then welcome.  I take your presence as an honor but like everything and anything a stranger says.. just read with the understanding that this blog just takes and puts down in writing a piece of me.  Whatever you want to make of it is fine.  I don’t presume to affect you in any way but I don’t mind that you’re here.  So if I haven’t said it before; “Pleased to ‘meet’ you.” 🙂

Back to clarifying and all that jazz.  Yes, I don’t mean to come off as happy happy happy… I am just trying to focus on that more than on sad sad sad.  And as human beings I’m sure being both at the same time sometimes is part of this complicated bundle of cells–all part of the package deal.  So to clear things up; if some posts talk about happiness then other posts swing to the melancholy just know that yours truly is not mad (yet) or schizophrenic but merely writing about the emotion du jour, that’s all.

And the emotion du jour is the feeling of being lost.  I know I should be concentrating on the fact that my family is safe, my children are healthy and happy, my relationship with my husband is faring better today than last year.  Yet I still grieve for what I thought I had but now realize that I never did.  I grieve for the stability of an extended family.  I grieve for knowing where I am going and where I’ll be.  I’ve never been one for flying by the seat of my pants.  Yes I am definitely spontaneous in the moment and have a thing for adventures but ultimately I’m a planner.  I’m extremely goal-oriented.  So it’s difficult for me right now not to know where we’ll be.  Five years ago found me content and happy.  Now I’m feeling shaken and scared. 

It’s like waking up and realizing that your life was all a dream and the reality is that you’re walking 50 feet up in the air on a tight rope and you look down and you realize… someone took away the safety net.  But you know that if you hesitate too much, you’ll lose your footing and fall.  Right now, I’m just trying to make it to the other side.  I can’t see it but I know that it’s gotta be there. 

If I believed in a god, I could wish and pray but since I don’t, all I can do is hope.  Hope that what we are doing and the choices we make for our lives and our kids’ lives are the right choices.

I hope…

1. that we are fighting for the right goals.

2. that whatever we do decide does not end up hurting our children in some horrible way.

3.  that in the end, we’ll at least be okay.

I really hope that we will be okay.

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Dust of Everyday Life

While passing through the down town of my local beach city, I passed a banner that said this:

“Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.” Pablo Picasso

Beautiful, succinct, and explains the fundamental human desire for aesthetic pleasure. Art is Precious Happy.

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Take these broken wings and learn to fly…

photo from

Her name would have been Orchid.  And for him we would have called Little Lion.  Do we continue trying?  Or is it foolish to not heed the universe’s warnings that our tiny family of four is perfect the way it is?  I can see my husband love another child.  I can almost feel her/him in my arms.  Our two boys are such pieces of heaven that it seems wasteful *not* to have another child.  So we tried and tried again.  But after 3 miscarriages… perhaps it’s time to stop.  What if we were successful next time but the baby turns out to need more than we can give?  Financially, emotionally, mentally… what if what we have won’t be enough?  I can not willingly choose to detonate our children’s lives.  They deserve our attention, love, care, and protection and would not have asked to have a baby sister or brother who is sick and would take away from all that.  And yet I know how wonderful they would be as older brothers.  They are already wonderful to each other–more than we have ever dared to hope that they would be.  If only we could know beforehand, just a small peek into the future to see which way to go… to be sure of the path we choose so that we can firmly follow it.  My husband says we must not be greedy, that we are the only two people in this world who would take care of our two little boys.  They have no one but us.  So to bring in another child and jeopardize an already unsteady state of living seems so very rash.  And yet… and still… my heart aches and I wonder and I dream and I cry when I lose the pregnancy… again. It’s moments like these that resonate how truly precious the happiness we have really is; how very tenuous and fragile.  No matter what happens… Happiness, I promise to cup you in my hands and shield you from the wind so that you don’t blow away so that I can hold on just a little bit longer. Just a little bit longer.

photo by Paul Mutton from

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Being loved completely is the most precious of Precious Happy…

One of John Keats’ let­ters to Fanny Brawne:

25 Col­lege Street

My dear­est Girl,

This moment I have set myself to copy some verses out fair.  I can­not pro­ceed with any degree of con­tent.  I must write you a line or two and see if that will assist in dis­miss­ing you from my Mind for ever so short a time.  Upon my Soul I can think of noth­ing else — The time is passed when I had power to advise and warn you again[s]t the unpromis­ing morn­ing of my Life — My love has made me self­ish.  I can­not exist with­out you — I am for­get­ful of every thing but see­ing you again — my Life seems to stop there — I see no fur­ther.  You have absorb’d me. I have a sen­sa­tion at the present moment as though I was dis­solv­ing — I should be exquis­itely mis­er­able with­out the hope of soon see­ing you.  I should be afraid to sep­a­rate myself far from you.  My sweet Fanny, will your heart never change?  My love, will it?  I have no limit now to my love — You note came in just here — I can­not be hap­pier away from you — ‘T is richer than an Argosy of Pearles.  Do not threat me even in jest. I have been aston­ished that Men could die Mar­tyrs for reli­gion — I have shudder’d at it — I shud­der no more — I could be martyr’d for my Reli­gion — Love is my reli­gion — I could die for that — I could die for you.  My Creed is Love and you are its only tenet — You have ravish’d me away by a Power I can­not resist: and yet I could resist till I saw you; and even since I have seen you I have endeav­oured often “to rea­son against the rea­sons of my Love.”  I can do that no more — the pain would be too great — My Love is self­ish — I can­not breathe with­out you.

Yours for ever
John Keats

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And the Jelly shall inherit the Earth


The world’s only immortal animal
By Bryan Nelson, Mother Nature Network
Posted Tue Mar 16, 2010 9:57am PDT

Turritopsis nutricula Jellyfish

(Photo: Peter Schuchert)

The turritopsis nutricula species of jellyfish may be the only animal in the world to have truly discovered the fountain of youth.

Since it is capable of cycling from a mature adult stage to an immature polyp stage and back again, there may be no natural limit to its life span. Scientists say the hydrozoan jellyfish is the only known animal that can repeatedly turn back the hands of time and revert to its polyp state (its first stage of life).

The key lies in a process called transdifferentiation, where one type of cell is transformed into another type of cell. Some animals can undergo limited transdifferentiation and regenerate organs, such as salamanders, which can regrow limbs. Turritopsi nutricula, on the other hand, can regenerate its entire body over and over again. Researchers are studying the jellyfish to discover how it is able to reverse its aging process.

Because they are able to bypass death, the number of individuals is spiking. They’re now found in oceans around the globe rather than just in their native Caribbean waters.  “We are looking at a worldwide silent invasion,” says Dr. Maria Miglietta of the Smithsonian Tropical Marine Institute.

Bryan Nelson is a regular contributor to Mother Nature Network, where a version of this post originally appeared.

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And dinner tonight was…

…DIVINE! And this coming from an atheist.  Every once in awhile, when the stars align yours truly cooks the perfect meal.  It happened tonight and it made my hubby happy and left me full of good food and pride.  The coolest thing is that I didn’t even plan it. Sometimes the greatest things in life happen accidentally. 

Here are the details to my serendipitous meal: 

*     Decided to grab whichever is the freshest fish at Costco today; it turned out to be catfish.  Have been a fan since childhood so that will do. 

*     Headed to the “Cold Room” and grabbed some pre-washed baby spinach.  Of course I also got some other groceries–enough for the week–and the total came to under $150! Score! 

*     Arrived home and unpacked everything and put everything in its place.  

*     Saw the Japanese Pumpkin I bought a week ago on the kitchen counter. 

photo from

 *     Cookery Details 

     Butter-Maple Roasted Japanese Pumpkin 

1. Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees F. 

2. Cut up and peel one small Japanese Pumpkin into diced 1 inch cubes (remember to discard pumpkin insides such as seeds and bits). 

3. Cover the bottom and sides of a square cake pan with aluminum foil. 

4. Put pumpkin cubes into pan. 

5. Cut up cubes of butter (amount depends on how much butter ya like.  I put about 1/4 cup). 

6. Drizzle 1/3 cup real Maple Syrup all over pumpkin and butter. 

7. Cover with aluminum foil on the top.  Put in Oven.  Let roast for 30 minutes.  Remove and serve hot, sweet, and slightly buttery.  Your house will smell like heavenly roasted pumpkin. 


Herb Catfish and Spinach 

1. Put about 2 lbs of fresh catfish fillets in a large bowl.  Add seasonings (sea-salt, fresh-ground pepper, granulated garlic, dark chili powder–I used the non-spicy kind but you can substitute the spicy kind if you like your fish with a bite, dried chopped onion, and Italian herb seasoning mix) 



 2. Heat up a large pan on High heat.  Once hot, add olive oil.  Once oil is heated but not yet smoking, add seasoned fish 2 fillet at a time. Sear both sides of fish fillet on High heat.  

3.  Add 1 cup broth (I used pork broth–same as chicken broth or beef broth except made with, you guessed it–pork).  Reduce heat to Medium-High. Cover pan with lid and cook, checking occasionally until fish is almost flakey.  Remove fish from pan and serve a fillet per plate. 

4.  Increase heat to High Heat and add hands-full of fresh, pre-washed baby spinach leaves.  Stir gently with wooden spoon until just wilted and turn off the stove; spinach will continue to cook in pan after you turn off the heat so don’t worry about it being undercooked… especially since rawer spinach is better for your health anyways.  Remove from pan along with pan juices and add to plates. 

5.  Add Butter-Maple Roasted Japanese Pumpkin to each plate and “VOILA!” you’ve got what I made tonight… Yummy in your tummy! 


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