make it to the other side

lost.  feeling lost. 

I use this blog to remind myself of the good things in life.  The things I am so so grateful for.  I recently read a quote; “You’ve gotta put some gratitude in your attitude.”  It made me laugh.  So if I come off as too “chipper” or “pathetically optimistic” then you’ve got me all wrong. 

An aside: 

Which is not to say that I’m that important to you or that what you think of me is important to me.  It’s just a matter of setting things straight whether anyone cares or not.  Just to put my rambling thoughts down to clarify for myself.  If you’re here along for the ride for the heck of it or there’s some entertainment value in it for you, my passing reader, then welcome.  I take your presence as an honor but like everything and anything a stranger says.. just read with the understanding that this blog just takes and puts down in writing a piece of me.  Whatever you want to make of it is fine.  I don’t presume to affect you in any way but I don’t mind that you’re here.  So if I haven’t said it before; “Pleased to ‘meet’ you.” 🙂

Back to clarifying and all that jazz.  Yes, I don’t mean to come off as happy happy happy… I am just trying to focus on that more than on sad sad sad.  And as human beings I’m sure being both at the same time sometimes is part of this complicated bundle of cells–all part of the package deal.  So to clear things up; if some posts talk about happiness then other posts swing to the melancholy just know that yours truly is not mad (yet) or schizophrenic but merely writing about the emotion du jour, that’s all.

And the emotion du jour is the feeling of being lost.  I know I should be concentrating on the fact that my family is safe, my children are healthy and happy, my relationship with my husband is faring better today than last year.  Yet I still grieve for what I thought I had but now realize that I never did.  I grieve for the stability of an extended family.  I grieve for knowing where I am going and where I’ll be.  I’ve never been one for flying by the seat of my pants.  Yes I am definitely spontaneous in the moment and have a thing for adventures but ultimately I’m a planner.  I’m extremely goal-oriented.  So it’s difficult for me right now not to know where we’ll be.  Five years ago found me content and happy.  Now I’m feeling shaken and scared. 

It’s like waking up and realizing that your life was all a dream and the reality is that you’re walking 50 feet up in the air on a tight rope and you look down and you realize… someone took away the safety net.  But you know that if you hesitate too much, you’ll lose your footing and fall.  Right now, I’m just trying to make it to the other side.  I can’t see it but I know that it’s gotta be there. 

If I believed in a god, I could wish and pray but since I don’t, all I can do is hope.  Hope that what we are doing and the choices we make for our lives and our kids’ lives are the right choices.

I hope…

1. that we are fighting for the right goals.

2. that whatever we do decide does not end up hurting our children in some horrible way.

3.  that in the end, we’ll at least be okay.

I really hope that we will be okay.

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