Daily Archives: February 12, 2010

Grief

I still can’t get over my dad dying. I feel like my life is on hold until I do. I barely have enough energy every day to survive sometimes. I hate how depression can suck all my will to do anything besides feeding and taking care of my children. I hate this feeling but I know I won’t be able to get past it until I accept the fact that he’s gone forever. I hate this so much. But I have hope that I am getting better. I’ve slowly stopped thinking about him as if he is still here. The present tense has slowly evolved into the past tense whenever I think of him now. This makes me so sad but also a little bit relieved. I used to feel like if I scream loudly enough inside of me with all my heart, this reality won’t be real and he never died and still lives somewhere where I can visit and see him, talk to him, say “Hi” to him and “How are you doing?”… and what I wish for most–to have him meet my sons. Now my screams of protest have become mere whimpering. Perhaps acceptance will come soon. It has to come soon yet I know it can’t be rushed. Gah this sucks. That’s why happiness is so tenuous and delicate. Life can end instantaneously. Don’t live for the moment just for the sake of it. Savor the bitterness and sadness too. Life is not just smiley pictures… life is mostly the moments between the smiles. It’s beautiful even when it’s full of sadness. I miss my dad. My beautiful, flawed but amazing dad. I am just grateful that I had someone I loved enough to grieve this much for.

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